What a Wednesday. Great stories abound from the world of football–at least the part of the world that is England.

What soap opera writer is penning the Sunderland script? Whoever it is, a hearty thank you. Just when you think it can’t get any crazier, a completely novel twist comes flying out of nowhere. The latest installment is sure to supply interesting storylines for months. Or until the murder (probably set for Christmas to boost the ratings). Niall Quinn’s big-name coach has turned out to be none other than one Roy Keane. Put aside the fact that they reputedly hated one another while playing for Ireland, Keano is simply a lunatic. Hard as nails and about as clever. This is going to be brilliant.

If you’re unfamiliar with the profundity of Roy Keane, or just want a quick laugh, football365 has helpfully compiled a list of some of his deeper insights.

In apparent emulation of Mr. Keane, ManCiteh’s Ben Thatcher tried to remove the head of Pedro Mendes with a brutal elbow in the match against Pompey. It was as cheap of a shot as I can remember seeing, but somehow was only worth a yellow from the ref. It might have been some sort of cruel karmic fate, giving a Portuguese player an actual real reason to dive to the turf for all their disgusting play-acting in Germany. In any case, Thatcher needs to go. English football is rough, but that’s uncalled for.

Finally, a double shot of happy news from the Chelsea camp. First, the shocking loss to lowly Middlesbrough made the day for billions around the world. There was much laughing and partying in the streets–you probably missed all that revelry while you were at work. It’s not going to be so easy this time around for the Real of the North. I suspect Ashley Cole will now be bought for the ransom Arsenal is demanding. If I were them, the ransom would have just doubled. Chelsea will pay it–whatever it is. The millionaires are too good to bother playing defense, so something must be done. The only answer for that team is to throw more Roman money at the problems. I hope Abramovich is having a good time. I suspect he’ll be getting tired of this expensive toy soon, and Chelsea will revert back to their inocuous selves. What a day that’ll be.

Then, just as hoped, they managed to draw Barcelona in the group stage of the Champions League. They’re clearly not living right at Stamford Bridge.